To The Boy Who Sexually Assaulted Me

Today I sat watching Dr. Christine Blasey Ford testify about the sexual assault she suffered more than 30 years ago at the hands of Supreme Court Nominee Brett Kavanaugh feeling both empowered and enraged. Not because Brett Kavanaugh is a Republican and I am not. Not because Dr. Ford was forced to testify and submit to cross-examination as if a defendant on trial for a crime, which she most definitely is not. No, I am enraged because of the harsh discourse between the two sides of the aisle as to whether or not Dr. Ford is a reliable witness due to the nature and circumstances surrounding her accusations.  

Sexual assault is a lot like cancer. They both are something you can’t plan for. They both come into your life unwelcomed, and alter your outlook forever. They leave you with physical and emotional scars you carry with you for the rest of your life. You can do everything in your power to live a healthy, modest life and still find yourself receiving chemo or joining a sexual assault survivor group. But they are different in one GIANT aspect, the way the public perceives them.

Would you ever tell someone suffering from cancer that they asked for it? That they brought it on by not eating healthy enough, or not exercising enough? Would you ever look your daughter in the face and tell her her life was inherently less valuable than a male child’s because she got cancer and he didn’t? Would you ever look a cancer survivor in the face and question why they got cancer, why they felt the need to share their diagnosis or remission with the world, or why they didn’t just do something about the cancer sooner? Of course you wouldn’t, so why would you ask those questions to another victim, of a different kind, undergoing the exact same kind of life-altering crisis.

‘Are you sure you weren’t asking for it?’

‘Could your outfit or your body language have suggested you wanted it?’

‘Are you sure he meant it? He is such a sweet boy and would never do something like that to you. You guys are friends.’

Sexual assault is never warranted or provoked, and it is never something someone wants to happen to them. The person who is the victim of a sexual assault does not know it’s going to happen, and does not condone it. Until you’ve been in a bed with a guy holding you as tightly as he can forcing you to submit to his will you will never truly understand how horrifying it is to be completely helpless.

Sexual assault is hard.

It’s hard to endure. It’s hard to relive. It’s hard to talk about. It’s hard to report. Society has continually shown us that you may be putting your entire personal life under a microscope if you choose to come forward with your story, and most of the time much less than a Supreme Court Seat hangs in the balance.

I myself have been sexually assaulted twice. One assault was much more severe than the other. To be brutally honest, I actually thought I might get raped that night. Now those who know me know I am not a person to take any bullshit from others, especially men. I stand up for what I believe in and live unapologetically, because I think it’s important to do so in order to create the kind of world I want to raise my kids in.

That being said…. I have never come forward and filed an official charge with the authorities about either of the two sexual assaults I experienced. Why? Not because they weren’t real or horrific, but because society has shown me, over and over and over again, that without evidence to corroborate my story I have nothing but my word against his, and in a court of law that would not likely lead to anything but defamation of MY character and reliability, not his.

For the critics who argue that “boys will be boys” what if it was your daughter, your wife, your mother who was sexually taken advantage of? Here’s the reality, if you don’t choose to stop looking the other way, sooner or later it will be. The perverts, pedophiles, and rapists you are defending will inevitability stumble upon your daughters, and granddaughters, and it will be no one’s fault but your own when those once vibrant young women grow desolate and meek because of the horrendous things they have had to endure at the hands of a society you created.

I hope every person in America who has ever taken advantage of a woman sleeps worse at night knowing that at any time that choice could come back to ruin his life.

I don’t care if you weren’t an adult.

I don’t care if you were drunk.

I don’t care if you were single, married, divorced, gay, straight, bi, a saint, or a sinner…we are all people and we all deserve respect.

Your character and morality is not dictated by your age, gender, or socioeconomic background but by the values you choose to uphold in the choices you make and the actions you partake in each and every day.

I am 22 years old and the amount of times I have sexually assaulted another human being, or even considered it, is zero.

Never have I thought to myself, ‘Oh that girl looks a little drunk, I bet I could pin her down and force her to have sex with me’. Morally righteous individuals do not take advantage of others just because they have the ability to. Being stronger, faster, or bigger than someone does not automatically qualify you to impose your will on them.

The problem isn’t that we are women and they are men, the problem is that we have never held men accountable in the way we have women, and until that changes society will continue to victim shame women who come forward to speak their truth about sexual assault.

I want every boy and man in America who has sexually assaulted someone to remember something. Just because we didn’t come forward then, or even now, does not make it less real. Just because we did not seek “justice” in the typical sense of the word does not mean you ‘got away with it’, or that it ‘wasn’t a big deal’. Just because you haven’t had your moment in court doesn’t mean it will never come.

We will never forget what you did to us, and as Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, and so many other courageous women have shown, we aren’t about to let the world forget either. Should the need arise, I too would testify against my attacker in court, because the moment I came to terms with the fact a boy had manipulated my trust in order to sexually assault me was the day I took back the narrative on how I tell my story.

I was not drunk the night I got sexually assaulted. I was not asking for it. I was not wearing slutty clothing or flirting with my attacker. I was being a friend and he took advantage of that, but he never will again.

Should I name my attacker today, tomorrow, or never is my decision, but at the end of the day I have all the power now, and he has none. He must sit and wait and wonder forever, in the back of his mind, whether or not his actions will come back to haunt him. He must sit there and wonder if I’ll ever tell anyone.

In a society that seems hell bent on ripping itself apart one way or another, sexual assault victims have taken on a new role…warriors. Equipped with our inalienable truths, we now have the knowledge that we are not alone, and we have the power to write our own destinies. Should we choose to remain silent, that is our choice. Should we choose to come forward and confront our assaults, or should a circumstance arise where that confrontation is inevitable, we will do so, taking ironic comfort in knowing we are not alone because hundreds of thousands of other individuals stand with us in solidarity and support.