To the Conservative Parents of an Openly Gay Child

To the conservative parents of an openly gay child;

My name is Amanda and I used to be just like you. I used to think gay people were disgusting, that they epitomized the worst America had to offer, that their actions deprecated the morals this country was founded on. I defended these uninformed and ignorant beliefs for 15 years, until one day an inner truth hit me like a semi-truck…I was gay. My parents did not raise me to be hateful of others, but growing up in a conservative right wing state there was no lack of public prejudice. When I first started coming to terms with my feelings it was an extremely difficult and emotional time, just as I can imagine this is an extremely difficult thing for your family to understand. I hated myself for being sexually attracted to women, and on more than one occasion seriously contemplated ending my life because the idea of facing complete societal rejection was too daunting. I became depressed. I did not want to have these feelings, as I can imagine you do not want your child to have these feelings. I asked God what I did wrong? Why this was happening to me? And I’m sure you have both done the same. But there is one thing I wish someone would have told me, and all those in my life trying to accept this new realization, being gay is not a choice and it is not my fault.

It is easy to become overwhelmed by your son or daughter’s coming out.

I know how you feel because I was your child once. I was the son who couldn’t understand why I had the feelings I did. I was the daughter who desperately tried to flirt and date boys in a failed attempt to change who my heart fell in love with. I was your child. I am the future version of your child if you choose to let this moment strengthen you as a family instead of letting it tear you apart.

Perhaps you wonder why God would do this to you? Why God would do this to your child? I wondered these same things, and have spent the better part of the last five years in therapy discussing these same struggles. What I have come to believe is, our sole mission in life is to learn how to be tolerant and accepting and kind to those who are not like us. While it is not always easy to be inclusive or accepting, nothing about this process is going to be easy.

I know you were raised to believe gay marriage was wrong and homosexuals were going to hell. Facing the fact your child is a part of the ‘horrible and disgusting’ group you have spent your whole life devaluing is difficult. You probably – if only subconsciously – feel remorse for all of the years you blatantly used derogatory language; such as fag, around your child. You may feel somewhat responsible for your child expressing these sexual tendencies. You likely feel back stabbed, or betrayed, like there was something you could have done differently to alter who your child falls in love with, but take it from me…there is nothing you could have done, and nothing you can do, to change this. Your son or daughter has come out to you in the hopes of finding solace and refuge from an intolerant society.

So as of this moment you have two choices with how you proceed.

1. You can spend the rest of your life shunning, degrading, and emotionally abusing the child you breast feed, snuggled with at night, and have loved unconditionally until now.

Or.

2. You could realize the path to finding clarity, acceptance, and inner peace with this ‘issue’ will be a very hard and personal journey for you both, yet consciously decide to educate yourself about the LGBTQIA+ community and continue loving your son or daughter unconditionally, embracing this new characteristic at face value.

If you choose to continue degrading your child’s feelings, if you try to send your child to ‘conversion’ therapy, if you make hurtful comments about your child’s sexual orientation you will undoubtedly gain full control of your child’s life choices; just beware that those choices will likely involve deciding which cemetery to bury your child after they commit suicide, because the people who were supposed to love them forever decided forever ended with “I’m gay”.

I understand that in this instant the values instilled within you by your parents and grandparents are being tested. I understand you are fearful your child may end up being mocked by society or end up in Hell…but making their time on earth Hell isn’t going to change that belief. You were raised to believe gay people were twisted people with predatory agendas and no values but let me ask you something? When you look at your son or daughter, do you see a predator? Do you see someone who is twisted? Someone who deserves to be outcast by society for something they have no control over? Or do you see the snaggly tooth red head who used to run around in diapers after splashing through mud puddles? Or an amazing soccer star with a future career in the MLS? Or the future parent to your grandchildren?

If one word can change the entire way you look at the human being you created, than maybe you should look at the way you view the world. Being gay is not a choice and coming out to a family when you know their initial reaction will be scarring is not the coward choice, it is the brave one. Imagine the hardest emotional struggle you have endured. Now imagine your child alone and afraid trying to navigate their own emotional struggle of that weight – if not larger. I know accepting your child’s sexual orientation may make you seem weak to your conservative friends whose kids are all heterosexual, but if you really care more about your outward persona than your inner acceptance perhaps your child is better off without your influence in their life.

I urge you to fight for your child’s equality. I urge you to stand up and support your child’s views on the world, even if they differ from your own. I urge you to stop trying to change your child, for in the moment they came out to you they were uncomprehendingly brave and are trusting you won’t use their biggest vulnerabilities against them.

In this moment you have a choice to make. You can stop using the word gay, and other LGBT slurs, in a derogatory manner. You can become an LGBT advocate. You can make a positive change in your child’s life. You can become a beacon of hope to other children who are scared to come out to their conservative parents. You can show your peers that it is possible to love your child infinitely despite deeply rooted conservative values.

Or you could not.

You can choose to continue pushing your child deeper into the closet. You can convince yourself that it is possible to “pray the gay” away and send your child to conversion therapy. You can limit your child’s interaction with same sex friends, cause them to quit working at places that hire  gay employees, and continue your attempt to silence a vastly underrepresented portion of society…but you will lose.In choosing to be intolerant towards the LGBTQIA+ community you will stunt your child’s emotional, physical, spiritual, and social growth. You will isolate your child. You will be responsible for their lack of self confidence, their growing depression, and their suicidal tendencies.

It is not hard to realize that there will come a day in time when gay people will be just like everyone else, and while I realize that time is not today, it is just beyond the horizon. The world is changing, gay marriage is legal, and your son or daughter is going to be gay whether you accept it or not. The harder you fight against it the worse it is going to be for every one. If you choose to continue being a bigoted conservative you will lose your child. You will lose that precious little girl or boy you held in the hospital and vowed to protect from everything the world had in store. You will lose your child both physically and emotionally.

In this moment you have a choice. In this moment you have a duty as the parent of a scared child. You have the right to walk away and refuse to change, but I urge you to plant your feet firmly next to your son or daughter and say “I may not fully understand your values, and it will take me a while to come to terms and fully accept this news, but I am your parent and I will never love you any less for coming to me and opening up to me. I will never love you any less for trusting in me. I will never love you any less period. You are my child and I will stand by you and protect you NO MATTER WHAT, because as your parent that is my duty, conservative or not.”

Sincerely,

The gay daughter of an accepting and loving conservative family